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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Healing

I suffer from a condition known as Chronic fatigue syndrome which causes me to be in a perpetual state of exhaustion. There is no real cure for it but many people have reported improvement in there condition based on various treatments. It is for this reason that I found myself venturing into the world of con-men and deluded crazies that is alternative therapy.

In one particularly interesting case I saw a “healer”, who claimed to be able to cure people through a special energy in her hands. Yes, it does seem somewhat implausible that I Cornealius Drake would visit such a person but believe me I was seriously desperate. Plus I saw her photo on a website and she was hot. If it took £100 to get her special hands on me well then hey, I’ve paid more for sex in the past(My eastern European cleaning lady drives a hard bargain(and steals(and doesn’t dust properly))).

So on a dark and windswept night I arrived at her abode. As I walked into her apartment I was greeted by all manor of crap indigenous art from various tribes which she for some inexplicable reason felt the need to tell me about.
“A sun god from the kowaki tribe of southern Uganda,”
“Fascinating” I replied.
She asked me if I would like her to explain to me the philosophy behind her treatment I said no for fear that it might cause me to punch her. But somehow she still started blathering on about trans dimensional god forces and the spirit world. I distracted myself by staring at her breasts. At one point I think she mentioned something about our life’s purpose and unleashing the essential good within us all. Which did at least make me laugh.

“So if you’d just like to sit yourself down here we can get started.” She said snapping me out of my fantasy of making her eat every picture of a women holding a wolf in her apartment(there were like 10 of them?).
So I took my place in a seat(wicker of course) in the centre of the room.
“Now relax, close your eyes and just let yourself drift into a deep and comfortable place.” She said and proceeded to move her hands over my scalp. As she did this I have to admit I did feel her hands being unexpectedly warm and as she moved them across my temples I felt a real sense of calm and relaxation. I felt my energy return to me. After a few more minutes of hand healing, or whatever the appropriate verb is, she stopped. I opened my eyes to look again on the world. I felt a little better, perhaps.
“I have something to tell you,” she said.
“What?” I replied.
“While I was healing you I detected something, You have a very strong energy and from it I received a message from the spirit world about you.”
“Really?”
“You see you have a gift. You are a particularly psychic person.”
“I am?”
“Yes and the reason you are ill is because you are denying your special powers.”
I stared at her. “The only way you will ever recover from your illness is if you learn to harness your gift.”
“Harness my gift? And what precisely would that entail?”
“Well there are a variety of different methods for doing it. But tell you what I run classes in channelling psychic powers, you could sign up for them.”
“And these classes cost how much?”
“Well its a 12 week course and each lesson is £50.”
“so in total that’s…”
“Well I don’t know the figure off the top of my head, but its very reasonable when you consider what you will learn.”
“You want me to fork over £600 so I can learn magic from you?”
“Well magic isn’t the word we normally use but you can call it that if you like.”
“I think id rather call it, insane stupidity.”
“What?”
“Lets just recap what’s happened here. I have come here looking for help, you know I am in a vulnerable position, you’ve started by doing something with your hands that’s made me feel slightly better, then you’ve told me that I’m “special” to build up my ego, then you’ve told me you can help me, then surprise, surprise you’ve told me that the way to help me involves me giving you £600.”
“Cornealius I don’t think I can help you if your being this negative. The spirits can help guide you but only if you have faith in them.”
I burst out laughing. Wild hysterical laughter.

I was about to start shouting insults at her and then leave, when a more interesting idea for pay back occurred to me.
“Im sorry,” I said, stopping laughing “I sometimes get very defensive about my gift.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I have known about my gift for a very long time, but the truth is I don’t like to admit to it because to me it feels more like a curse than a gift.”
“Really?”
“Yes I receive physic messages about people all the time. In fact I actually received a message about you while you were healing me. It seems than you channelled your energy so well that I was actually given a glimpse of your soul as you did it, you must be a truly great healer.”
She looked a touch sceptical, but her scepticism was swept away by her over riding desire to be the truly great healer I described. In which case she had to assume I was being truthful. “Let me tell you some of things that were communicated to me.”
“go on.”
“They told me that you are a very genuine person and honesty is at the heart of who you are. You are someone who is always searching for truth and it pains you when others can not see the beauty that you see.” How on earth did I guess that?
She nodded slightly.
“You instinctively keep people at arms length until you decide they are to be allowed over that magic line into your group of close friends. However, once across that line, the problem is that an emotional dependency kicks in.”
“Wow yeah that’s really true.” I’ve just told her she is closer to her friends than people she doesn’t know.
“You are a very creative person, you like to create and share your own worlds and imaging’s, You have many dreams but sometimes you give up your dreams too easily when your mind has wandered elsewhere.”
“Yeah.” I’ve just told her you think of doing things until you stop doing them.
“I notice an inner pain that you try to keep hidden because you feel other people wont understand it or you feel like you don’t want to burden those you love with it. Your afraid people will think your failing if you tell them about this. But its ok if you trust in your friends and family they wont let you down”
“Thanks.” Everyone on earth feels more pain than they let on. And just for the record here, sharing your self absorbed pain with others will make them like you less, don’t do it…. Unless you want to trick them into trusting you.
“You feel very held down and constricted by the world, like there is a wild part inside you that needs to be set free. You feel a particular afinity for the wolf. That is your special star marker, your essential god characteristic.” Even I don’t know what I’m talking about here, but everyone likes to be compared to a god. “You are a very interesting and complex person.”
“That’s all so true, how could you know all this?”
“Like I say I’ve had this gift since I was a very young child. I had an accident, I slipped on some ice and banged my head, and ever since I’ve had these special insights.” Lifted straight out of Steven Kings The Dead Zone “But I now think there is a reason I came here today beyond the mere fact of looking to use your extraordinary healing powers. I have a message from a dead relative to deliver to you. Recently you lost your father.”
“no he’s still alive,”
“then maybe its your grandfather who has brought me the message.”
“Yes, Albert, he died last year.”
“Yes he defiantly has something to tell you. You two were very close weren’t you.”
“Yes.”
“Well he says that he loves you and wants me to tell you he still thinks of you and his son, your father.”
“Actually he was my mothers father.
“Yes but your father was like a son to him and he is only now realising this and how much he misses you all.”
“Tell him I love him to.”
“He can already hear that he is watching over you always.”
She smiles. An unfortunate side effect of my plan is that I’ve just made her feel better about life, but do not worry dear reader for it will not last.”
“But now I have another message coming through, and he is saying this is very important. You see there is something wrong with your body, it is growing sick because there is some sort of poison coming into it from your environment. You have already felt this on some level, which is why you’ve already switched to eating organic foods.” How could I have guessed correctly that a new-age alternative healer eats organic? “But your grandfather says though this is good it isn’t enough, the poison is still getting in through something that you eat and if you don’t managed to correct your diet soon you will die. Within the year.”
“I have been feeling under the weather recently but I had no idea it was that serious.”
“It is you must take action quickly your grandfather says.”
She stares blankly around “But what is it I should do, what should I stop eating.”
“He cannot detect exactly what it is, but Albert says you must do something.”
“Oh my God how did you know his name?” She told me earlier in the conversation but in her excitement she has evidently over looked this, a lucky break for me.
“He told me it, I think he’s going now his presence is receding.”
“But there is so much more I need to ask him.”
“Sorry, he is gone now, my gift only lasts for so long.”
I get up to go. She tries to get me to stay, asks if we can meet again but I say I really have to go and that it is things like this that have caused me to stop using my gift and view it as a curse. I would not have used it had she not detected it through her evident physic powers. I left.

See after she had so annoyed me by trying to con me with her alternative health classes I could simply have shouted at her or hit her and that would undoubtedly have felt good but if a person wants to get that truly fulfilling revenge feeling a degree of thought and creativity goes a long way. Now rather than her just having a bruise that will last a few days. I have given her an eating disorder that will probably last a year, maybe longer and could even kill her, if I’m lucky. Now that’s what I call vengeance.

I still have her phone number and I considered calling her again as I’m sure it wont take more than 2 or 3 meetings for me convince her that sleeping with me will heal her, and maybe also handing over large amounts of cash. But after sleeping with her I would have to stop talking to her(I am yet to be able to utter more than a sentence to any women i've ever slept with, and that sentence is normally “I’ll leave the money on the table on the way out.”) and then she would no longer believe in the message id given her and her eating disorder would end. And it would seem that I value my own malice more than sex.

Ive entered into another Philosophy Blog War so if you liked reading this vote for me

25 Comments:

Blogger Cheesy said...

heheehe You evil evil man.... I loved it!

But~~~ do feel better... I for one DO believe in healing hands... not CURING hands but healing.. guess I wont get to try it out tho... I like talking after sex! lol

6:28 AM  
Blogger Yves said...

Thanks for dirdcting me to your blog. You're a promising writer & I enjoyed your piece greatly, even though it was a bit long to get the points across.

I also used to suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. I got better through a particular therapy. David Mickel evolved the therapy specifically for ME/CFS. Since then I have trained in the same therapy & I would recommend you to check it out. (my details are on the site, but in my real name.)

6:48 AM  
Blogger Imemine said...

Well-written. Very interesting. Excellent!
I too suffer from CFS. But it doesn't bother me. I can live with it. When I need extra energy I usually have it. I can do more work than most people. And sometimes I have this extraordinary surge of energy, like I've suddenly turned into a werewolf. But it doesn't frighten me; I know how to deal with it. I don't suppress it; I just try to be reasonable and avoid harming others.
My advice is not to worry about it, stare down your fears, if you have any, not suppress mental chatter but don't get carried away by it. Be friendly and kind to others. Don't think of people who irritate, provoke, insult or humiliate you. Ignore them. They are not important and they are useless.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Mark Walter said...

I must say that i am a bit taken aback, since I was not expecting a healing to come out of the twists, turns and tragedies of your experience. But, by God, it appears that she who tried to heal you, who was then cursed to perhaps rue the day she was born, has had the last word - for how can anyone say you weren't healed after reading such an energetic, fast paced, highly motivated, enthusiastic, animated account? Well done! You obviously are a psychic to have picked such a profound and clever healer.

2:05 PM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

Hi, and thanks for the visit to my
blog!
This was not quite what I was expecting!
But, nevertheless very interesting!
Enjoyed the read!
Take care!

Margie

2:10 PM  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Do you mind if I say godfuckingdammit? Good, because it just works in situations like this. That was some seriously alarming and powerfully funny shit. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you've already found what will likely be the best defense against your chronic misery. At the end of the day, you've got to find the funny in it. It's the funny that will hold your head above water long enough to get back to shore. Pardon the cliché.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Yep! Laughter is the best medicine!
Thanks!

9:34 PM  
Blogger Lord Runolfr said...

You are an evil, evil man.

I salute you.

Still, you should consider telling her at some point that the whole story was complete BS; she needs to be informed of just what a gullible idiot she is. Probably won't make any difference, but still...

6:44 AM  
Blogger Cornealius said...

Cheesy:Mwuhahahaha.... cough, yes Im a little evil :)
I have to say from personal experience i dont think the healing hands effect is anymore than just a placebo reaction. If you like talking after sex then maybe after we make love it will be specail and ill manage 2 sentences.

Yves: glad you enjoyed it. I have tried Mickel therapy and it did lead to an improvement in my condition, but it has since stopped working...

imemine: You seem a bit mad... Personaly im not content to live with my illness for the rest of my life, if i didnt think i would one day recover i would probably kill myself. Im too specail to be ill!!

Mark: Yes perhaps. didnt some wise man once say treat every one you meet as a potential teacher. But i think he then ran into a sczophrenic and was taught to jump off a bridge.

samuru999: Thks

Slaghammer: Yes, cliche aside i have found that the best way to deal with chronic misery is to live off the brief buzz and feelings of superiority and power you get from being unspeakably cruel to people. Try it, its really fun.

Dan: Thks

Lord: Yes i could probably tell her i was lying and she still would refuse to believe the story was balls. She is trapped by her own stupidity+vanity if she admits that i didnt really contact her grandfather then she has to admit that shes wrong about her own "gift"

9:47 AM  
Blogger The Kman said...

I enjoyed your evil sense of humor, you are a man after my own heart. I do believe in healing hands or Reiki but hate it when something good is turned into a con and so many people do. But what is even scarier than a con is someone who starts to believe their own con and this lady might fall into that catagory.

You need to post her website as well so we can all check out her hot picture

9:53 AM  
Blogger Imemine said...

cornealius,
You worry too much. Especially about yourself.
No matter.
Resignation sometimes helps.
One more advice. Try resting from time to time. Catch your breath whenever you can. I think you are running too hard.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Imemine said...

Or, have you ever thought that life is not about reaching the finnish line first or winning. But about singing and dancing. ;>)

12:03 PM  
Blogger serenity said...

Sorry it took me a couple of days to reach your post. Very well written, as always. Your storytelling is flawless (this time with one minor exception, but I'm sure Stephen King will forgive you misspelling his first name).

I too am brought to laughter, which of course is the best medicine in the world. I think her healing power must have been greater than you could possibly have imagined given the energy that is flowing through this piece. If nothing else, she energized your irritation, and that IS energy after all.

On a more serious note, I am sorry that you suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. When it comes to healing, I think even scientific research has come to the conclusion that healing in its many forms has value, its place, and its effect. The placebo effect in and of itself is something highly undervalued and underrated. If the power of belief can bring relief to one's physical pain, why wouldn't someone want that treatment as a first line? It sure beats some of the nasty chemicals we so eagerly resort to as a first-line defense against pain and disease.

I am a believer that healing comes in many forms, through belief, through touch, compassion, kindness, surgery, medication, herbs, imagery, and yes, even through sexuality.

Did you run into a con artist? Perhaps, perhaps not. But since there are just as many con artists wielding scalpels and prescription pads as there are wielding energy through laying on of hands, it all comes down to what you choose to put your faith in.

Thanks for the chuckle, and I do sincerely hope you find healing wherever that is for you.

Peace and well being be with you.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Mark Walter said...

I decided to return and cast a vote for you in the Philosophy Blog Wars. My criteria is simple: I feel if I were to ask you if the other people deserved to win, you would say, "No, we should hit them." Here here.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Bazza said...

Cornealius, you have once again shown that you are a wonderfully funny writer. Ok, so evil as well, but what the heck!

9:42 AM  
Blogger ren.kat said...

I guess your point is that you're smarter than her? Congratulations. If you are saying that you outwitted the con, well, sorry- if she believed you, that means she believes in the whole idea that she's selling. She wasn't trying to con you. And going back to manipulate her for sex? Well, I won't even go there. Gee, your smart and funny. I'd vote for you, but so many people already voted for Arnold Swartzenegger. . . just kidding. Ah, well, sort of just kidding.

12:03 AM  
Blogger carlitos said...

Man, I think you are a great writer, seriously, I enjoyed the reading so much... But please, call the woman and tell her to read your blog, you do not really want her to have a food disorder.
If She reads this, She will probably laugh about herself, and will make her reconsider her gift ;-)
Again, you made me laugh, and I am surprisd that you have CFS and such a good sense of humor... keep it up!

6:34 PM  
Blogger Judith said...

excellent - she was psychic putty in your hands! As my dear old dad condensed fortune telling as- all the women are unappreciated and all the men are in the wrong careers - job done wheres my 50 quid ?...

4:20 PM  
Blogger Judith said...

BTW thanks for stopping by my blog ;0)

4:21 PM  
Blogger Hunyango said...

thanks for visiting my blog. you call yourself evil, huh?

you haven't meet me yet. ha-ha-ha.

CFS is all in the mind:) It afflicts only the weak and the lousy:)

NO therapy can cure you unless you start with the screws in your head.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Hunyango said...

thanks for visiting my blog. you call yourself evil, huh?

you haven't meet me yet. ha-ha-ha.

CFS is all in the mind:) It afflicts only the weak and the lousy:)

NO therapy can cure you unless you start with the screws in your head.

5:29 PM  
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5:05 AM  
Blogger Yves said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8:41 AM  
Blogger carlitos said...

Hey Man, just checking out how you were doing lately...
I am much better now than last time we mailed, I an even do sports and sweet! nor runing, but in the gym i mean... My IgM on EBV finally came negative after 3 years, and my IgG titer has come down as well, i will publish it shortly in my blog www.pochoams.blogspot.com
if your SCF had a strong viral component, i can recommend you labolife antivirals, they did work for me, and they are homeopatic....
Hope you are well, and keep your writting talents alive! ;-)

4:09 PM  
Blogger Emma said...

Hey there,

I have CFS and like you, usually don't like other people with CFS. But, I LOVED that post.

I think I'm going to print it out to read after my next interaction with a 'half-hole' (a particularly idiotic holistic healer).

I really cannot believe other posters are giving you advice about living with CFS! I don't go around giving people advice on their weight problem, or how to raise their kids, or how to deal with old-age...because that would just be arrogant and presumptive.

So why do people feel like they can just willy-nilly hand out advice to people who have struggled for years with illness?

It's so frustrating.

Emma

8:46 PM  

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