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Tuesday, September 19, 2006


I will here take a few moments to introduce Joe to you. He is for want of a better word my friend. To look at he is a hideous specimen. Only 5 foot tall his face is covered in all manner of scars and warts from a combination of childhood abuse(his father used to use him as a dart board, the big wart is worth 50) and his ineptness with kitchen utensils. He lost 2 of the fingers on his left hand in a bizarre chop sticks accident. Last month I cut off 2 of the fingers on his right hand because I found the lack of symmetry so very irritating.

I can still remember the first time we met, it was in the music room of the college we both attended. As I entered that room he scampered over to me, head bowed, and muttered some kind of syllable which I assumed to be hello. I considered simply ignoring the gimp but something made me reply.

“Hello, I am Cornealius Drake” I proclaimed.

In response he muttered something else inaudible, but after some gesturing on his part(what is it Lassie, is something wrong boy?) it became apparent that he wished to show me something. First he moved over to a nearby violin and proceeded to play a rendition of Bach 1st violin sonata, it was stunning. The moment that finished without pause he moved over to the guitar and tremolo picked his way through a perfect Spanish folk song. Then again not hesitating he moved to the piano and went straight into a lightning speed version of rachmaninov’s 3rd piano concerto. Again I was astounded never before had I heard the piece played so fast yet so accurately and with such emotion. With a trill he finished and turned towards me. He tried to look at my face to gauge my reaction but was to nervous to look at my eyes and so stared at my chest.

I started clapping. Loud slow claps that echoed through the music room. “Astounding” I said between claps, “simply astounding.” At this he met my gaze and started to smile, then I continued. “It astounds me that you can be so desperate to be liked that you put that much effort into learning to play. You must be a deeply pathetic person. It astounds me that you thought that being as ugly and social maladjusted as you are you could somehow redeem that by playing music. That this would somehow cause people to overlook your hideousness. What you thought if you played me a nice enough song I would became your friend?” At this I burst out laughing. He looked down at his feet. “Simply astounding. Thank you thing, what ever your name is, You have broadened my horizons never before have I seen a pathetic specimen of the human race sink quite so low.” At this point I expected him to rush out of the room, in tears I hoped. But he didn’t move, he sat there staring down. “What, will you not leave? Or do you intend to remain here and absorb more of my insults.” He shuffled on the spot. It was then that I realised that for a person as hideous as this it was unlikely any one ever said even a word to him. My verbal assault was probably the most human contact he had had in years. In my attempt to hurt him I had inadvertently caused the first human connection he had ever felt.

Quickly I exited the music room, horrified at how I had helped this vile thing. But as I feared he followed me out. He continued to follow me every time I came to the college. With this thing in my tow it became impossible for me to succeeded in the other friendship I had started to pursue at the college, which would surly have otherwise been very strong as I am a handsome witty charming intelligent person and when I want someone to like me I have the strength of character to ensnare them. Also the women I had started to make acquaintance with now also avoided me because of this thing, and again I am 100% certain that were the thing not following me I would have succeeded in fucking every women that I please, as I am a handsome witty charming intelligent person and when I want a women to sleep with me I have the magnetism to ensnare them.

I tried desperately to be rid of the thing, I ran from him, hurled abuse at him, beat him first with my fists and then with an iron bar. But still on coming out of the coma he returned to me with anew vigour. Eventually I gave in. I accepted his pursuit of me and ceased fighting. I made an agreement with him that he could be in my presence if he made an effort to conceal his face and after about 2 years of this I even let him tell me his name “Joe”. After another few years I was even kind enough to let him remain in my presence without hiding his face, so long as no one else was around.

I found in many situations he was useful to me, I could steel from shops safe in the knowledge that he would always take the fall for me. I could concoct schemes in which I had an accomplice I could rely on. He was Watson to my Holmes, robin to my batman, Himmler to my Hitler. We were a classic duo. Of course after the loss of the 2 fingers he had to give up the piano and now I’ve cut off the other 2 he cant play the violin or guitar either. But as you may already have guessed given his disgusting appearance and complete lack of social skills he now works in IT. A place where his very inability to construct coherent sentences allows him to charge clients twice as much. I spent last night with Joe picking up chicks at the aids patient ward.


Blogger Cheesy said...

ahhh geez you found the Jekyll to your Hyde?? LOL

6:32 AM  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Something tells me you you've had a painful IT experience recently.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Cornealius said...

Cheesy: I spent a while trying to think of a more approprote duo than Batman and Robin, Jekyll to hyde would have been better one

Slaghammer: A very painful IT exprience, you could say that, i work in IT as an ASP programmer :)

1:22 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...


8:58 PM  
Blogger slaghammer said...

May God have mercy on your soul. If he doesn't, you might give my guy, Zeus, a call. The dues are reasonable although I advise that you read the fine print before signing.

9:52 AM  
Blogger photo blog girl said...

Is there such a thing as a non-painful IT experience? For the exact reasons that you talk about in your story...

4:52 PM  
Blogger Newsandseduction said...

well written. If someone did not say it before than It was I who said it.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Bazza said...

I said it before and I'll say it again!

9:59 PM  
Blogger Cornealius said...

The problem is when you work in IT for long you become incalpable of thinking unless the thought starts with ARROW-PERCENTAGE SIGN (blogger wont let me use ASP tags...)

1:01 PM  
Blogger serenity said...

Just stopping over to thank you for your visit to my site. Seeing how gifted you are with words, I feel quite honored to be so elevated as to be placed on your enemies list.

Great post. You just know I'll be back, and yes, unfortunately you too will be the recipient of joyful blessings and smiles.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Judith said...

Your offspring of words formed an image in my head of someone with a face that would stop a dogfight and a smell that would gag a tramp. It was sheer poetry awash in grotesque beauty...And as for the aids patient ward where you and he were picking up chicks *homage to mary whitehouse experience* Thats your house that is :o)

2:49 PM  
Blogger Cornealius said...

Serenity: Waste not your blessing upon me for like the cold, sure hand of death humen words can not move me...

Judith: Yes, tramps do frequently apear embrassed and move away when Joe stands near them

3:08 AM  

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