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Sunday, August 20, 2006

Epiphany

An incident happened to me recently that is is of note and so i have decide to recount it to you here.

I was at my aunts house with my father and 3 year old sister. I was feeling unwell and deeply anxious as has been my perpetual state these last few years. I have a constant fear that some terrible event is about to befall me. But it is not the event it self that i fear, but the unbearable feeling of fear i will experience during this event. I lay down on the sofa to try and recover some my strength. I felt miserable. I watched my young sister gleefully dancing about the living room with her aunt. I felt even more miserable. Then in an instant my sister after a particulerly exuberant twirl fell sideways on a large conical lampbulb. The glass broke and a large shard drove deep into her leg.
In this moment a change came over me, for a breif moment my self loathing abated. My head previously a rush with none specific worry clared and i felt completely calm. I moved over to my sister to examine the wound. The glass had cut so deep that inside the wound was yellow. The chunk of her flesh apeared to be hanging off. Blood was everywhere. But i felt no nausea.
"Daddy, how is my leg going to get back together" my sister cried.
I found it incredably easy to think through the correct cource of action, calling the hospital and bounding the leg as best i could with what was available to hand. Looking back it was amazing how much less anxious i felt with my sister bleeding onto the floor than i did just normally being myslef. For these moments i no longer hated myself. I felt... happy.
But i realised that soon the paramedics would arrive, they would take charge of my sister and with the tradgy over i would be back to myself. A situation i could not tolerate, i felt good, i needed more. I left my father to tend to my sister and huredly left the room. I called the hospital and over the next few mintes in a variety of false accents i reported as many ergencies as i could "a man has had a heart attack in a shopping mall" "A women has been stabbed on the high street" "A car accident on liverpool rd" In the hope that the ablunce would be called to another destination.
I returned to the living room to comfort my sister. The carpet was sticky with blood.
"Its going to be okay bady, the ablunence is going to be here soon." I said
"I need potatoes to stick me back together." she said
"I dont think potatoe will do that?"
She lost concoiusness. I wondered if maye sticking her fingers into the plug socket would give her a shock bring her back. But sadly i never got the chance to try this as soon the amblunce arrived and she was rushed to hospital.

I was now left alone, abandoned. I sat back on the sofa and all my feelings of pain returned. I was still me, i was still a mess.
But something had changed, I had glimiced a way back from the feelings that assial me. I had an epiphany. I would become a doctor. If i saved enough peoples lives maybe i could buy back my soul. Surly if i was healing the sick that would have to make me a viable humen being by default.

Also as a doctor you get alot of money and power. I mean i would be able to decide who lived and who died. Hundereds of poeple would be at the mercy of my whim. "I dont like the look of this person" i could say "therefore i decide his cancer is untreatable, and i dont need a scan to prove it". Also if i were to ever comit to being a serial killer what better pratice. I dont think i would have any problem with difficult patients as i tend to thrive on confrontation. But the downside i do see in being a doctor is if someone were to thank me for saving there life. I cant imagine anything more arkward. I mean what would i say, and what if they started crying or something, horrid.

Oh and incase any one is interested my sister died shortly after arriving at the hospital. The funeral is a week saterday.

6 Comments:

Blogger Another twentysomething said...

I am VERY sorry to hear about your sister. Please accept my condolences. I am glad, in a way, that it brought you clarity. I'm not sure how deep you've thought about it, but what about other professionas where you help people? Like a paramedic? Anyway, don't mean to be nosy. Just happened by here from "Bestest Blog."

12:27 PM  
Blogger Cornealius said...

Yeah see the thing about being being a parmedic, parmasist or thearpist is i kind of had my heart set on being a surgon. Im mean how would you rather cure people by talking to them and listening to there problems or by cutting them open with a knife, pulling out there heart. then maybe replacing it....

9:27 AM  
Blogger rigah said...

Me too I'm terribly sorry to hear about the tragic destiny of your little sister...It's obvious that you loved her very much.

Just felt like commenting. Like your stories.

6:01 AM  
Blogger Taisen said...

Emergencies have the same effect on me, but i don't know whether the cause is similar.

Try this:
I remain calm under pressure because I internalise my negative emotions (shock, sorrow and pain included) and an emergency is just about the only situation that makes me forget about just how pointless life is.
It really takes that much to stop me being depressed and apathetic and stand up and give my all to the situation, at least until the ambulance comes or the sister dies or some other piece of crap that hits the fan and brings dull slow reality back into a sharp and painless focus.

Whaddya think? ;)

6:23 AM  
Blogger Rainy Days said...

Nice hoax

8:47 AM  
Blogger Yves said...

I'm trying to decide whether your spelling enhances or detracts from the flow of your narrative.

7:59 AM  

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