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Friday, August 25, 2006

A chance encounter

I was eating lunch with my mother at that restaurant in Hampstead heath. With her sly remarks and dour glances she was busy demolishing what remnants of my self esteem I had managed to gather about me since our last meeting. She reproached me for my lack of success in life, for the fact I didn’t have a wife, for my messy eating, poor table manners, scruffy hair. Then she proceeded to attack me for not visiting her more. I bit my tongue until it bled.
My mother is one of these elderly Jewish women who have made there life a mission to try and prove that Hitler had the right idea (sorry if that comment offended, I just don’t know where to draw the line(though I do think it contains a sizable chunk of the west bank(oh satire))). Another point about my mother that needs to be noted here is her attitude to sex. She views it as something wrong, evil. On this point I would say that I agree with her in part. I do not be believe that sex is innately wrong and evil, but if its any good it is. Also if there are any feminists reading this I would like to make a statement on behalf of all men, pornography isn’t innately evil and degrading to women, but if its any good it is. If men wanted to watch women enjoying themselves during sex they’d masturbate while she shopped. Pornography would be videos of women eating chocolate while lecturing a man for leaving the toilet seat up.
But where was I, oh yes. As I sat there I noticed a man on the next table who looked familiar. But try as I might I couldn’t place him. He looked tough, but with a rather large gay moustache that made him seem completely out of place with the surroundings. As my mother continued to berate me I become more and more fixated on this man, where did I know him from. I told my mother of my plans to become a doctor and she reluctantly conceded it was a good idea and then proceeded to lecture me on how much more successful her sister’s son was than me. As much to quiet my mother as anything else, I mentioned that I recognised the man at the next table. This stopped her for a moment and so I seized the chance to gain the mans attention.
“Excuse me,” I said to him “But I’m sure I recognize you from somewhere, do we know each other.”
Upon my word a ghastly smug smile came across the mans face and he said in a sickening Texas drawl.
“Why yes, my name is Randy McCock, I’m a porn star, you must have seen one of my movies.”
My mother stared on aghast. She said nothing but her glare told all.
“No that cant be it.” But even as I said this the horrible mental image of this mans come face appeared in my head. My mother registered my recognition and her gaze intensified. I made a mental note to kill myself once I got home.

6 Comments:

Blogger Bazza said...

Maybe you were eating at Maxwells?
Anyway, another very funny post. Jewish mothers,eh? Did you hear about the Jewish mother who gave her son a red tie and a blue tie for his birthday. He came downstairs wearing the blue tie and she asked 'So, what's wrong with the red one?'. Shalom.

12:55 PM  
Blogger OneHungMan said...

See that your mom and OneHung's dad were related.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Rudolph A. Carrera said...

Your blog is becoming some rather classic reading. Nice work.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Cornealius said...

Thank you, i lead a very pathetic little life and so live for the small bits of praise i get on my blog

2:56 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

OMG! Thats so hilarious! You must be genius or crazy or both! Seriously, i hope youre copyrighting this stuff. You may want to put it into a book some day.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:55 PM  

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