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Friday, August 25, 2006

A chance encounter

I was eating lunch with my mother at that restaurant in Hampstead heath. With her sly remarks and dour glances she was busy demolishing what remnants of my self esteem I had managed to gather about me since our last meeting. She reproached me for my lack of success in life, for the fact I didn’t have a wife, for my messy eating, poor table manners, scruffy hair. Then she proceeded to attack me for not visiting her more. I bit my tongue until it bled.
My mother is one of these elderly Jewish women who have made there life a mission to try and prove that Hitler had the right idea (sorry if that comment offended, I just don’t know where to draw the line(though I do think it contains a sizable chunk of the west bank(oh satire))). Another point about my mother that needs to be noted here is her attitude to sex. She views it as something wrong, evil. On this point I would say that I agree with her in part. I do not be believe that sex is innately wrong and evil, but if its any good it is. Also if there are any feminists reading this I would like to make a statement on behalf of all men, pornography isn’t innately evil and degrading to women, but if its any good it is. If men wanted to watch women enjoying themselves during sex they’d masturbate while she shopped. Pornography would be videos of women eating chocolate while lecturing a man for leaving the toilet seat up.
But where was I, oh yes. As I sat there I noticed a man on the next table who looked familiar. But try as I might I couldn’t place him. He looked tough, but with a rather large gay moustache that made him seem completely out of place with the surroundings. As my mother continued to berate me I become more and more fixated on this man, where did I know him from. I told my mother of my plans to become a doctor and she reluctantly conceded it was a good idea and then proceeded to lecture me on how much more successful her sister’s son was than me. As much to quiet my mother as anything else, I mentioned that I recognised the man at the next table. This stopped her for a moment and so I seized the chance to gain the mans attention.
“Excuse me,” I said to him “But I’m sure I recognize you from somewhere, do we know each other.”
Upon my word a ghastly smug smile came across the mans face and he said in a sickening Texas drawl.
“Why yes, my name is Randy McCock, I’m a porn star, you must have seen one of my movies.”
My mother stared on aghast. She said nothing but her glare told all.
“No that cant be it.” But even as I said this the horrible mental image of this mans come face appeared in my head. My mother registered my recognition and her gaze intensified. I made a mental note to kill myself once I got home.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I have finally proved beyond a shadow of a doubt my superiority to all other people in the world. I have just finished reading all 7 volumes of Proust's A la recherche du temps perdu. In the origanal french. For the second time. And i dont even speak french.....

I learnt to speed read, i got really good, i managed to read war and peace in 15 minites, it was about russia.(Woody Allen)

Sunday, August 20, 2006


An incident happened to me recently that is is of note and so i have decide to recount it to you here.

I was at my aunts house with my father and 3 year old sister. I was feeling unwell and deeply anxious as has been my perpetual state these last few years. I have a constant fear that some terrible event is about to befall me. But it is not the event it self that i fear, but the unbearable feeling of fear i will experience during this event. I lay down on the sofa to try and recover some my strength. I felt miserable. I watched my young sister gleefully dancing about the living room with her aunt. I felt even more miserable. Then in an instant my sister after a particulerly exuberant twirl fell sideways on a large conical lampbulb. The glass broke and a large shard drove deep into her leg.
In this moment a change came over me, for a breif moment my self loathing abated. My head previously a rush with none specific worry clared and i felt completely calm. I moved over to my sister to examine the wound. The glass had cut so deep that inside the wound was yellow. The chunk of her flesh apeared to be hanging off. Blood was everywhere. But i felt no nausea.
"Daddy, how is my leg going to get back together" my sister cried.
I found it incredably easy to think through the correct cource of action, calling the hospital and bounding the leg as best i could with what was available to hand. Looking back it was amazing how much less anxious i felt with my sister bleeding onto the floor than i did just normally being myslef. For these moments i no longer hated myself. I felt... happy.
But i realised that soon the paramedics would arrive, they would take charge of my sister and with the tradgy over i would be back to myself. A situation i could not tolerate, i felt good, i needed more. I left my father to tend to my sister and huredly left the room. I called the hospital and over the next few mintes in a variety of false accents i reported as many ergencies as i could "a man has had a heart attack in a shopping mall" "A women has been stabbed on the high street" "A car accident on liverpool rd" In the hope that the ablunce would be called to another destination.
I returned to the living room to comfort my sister. The carpet was sticky with blood.
"Its going to be okay bady, the ablunence is going to be here soon." I said
"I need potatoes to stick me back together." she said
"I dont think potatoe will do that?"
She lost concoiusness. I wondered if maye sticking her fingers into the plug socket would give her a shock bring her back. But sadly i never got the chance to try this as soon the amblunce arrived and she was rushed to hospital.

I was now left alone, abandoned. I sat back on the sofa and all my feelings of pain returned. I was still me, i was still a mess.
But something had changed, I had glimiced a way back from the feelings that assial me. I had an epiphany. I would become a doctor. If i saved enough peoples lives maybe i could buy back my soul. Surly if i was healing the sick that would have to make me a viable humen being by default.

Also as a doctor you get alot of money and power. I mean i would be able to decide who lived and who died. Hundereds of poeple would be at the mercy of my whim. "I dont like the look of this person" i could say "therefore i decide his cancer is untreatable, and i dont need a scan to prove it". Also if i were to ever comit to being a serial killer what better pratice. I dont think i would have any problem with difficult patients as i tend to thrive on confrontation. But the downside i do see in being a doctor is if someone were to thank me for saving there life. I cant imagine anything more arkward. I mean what would i say, and what if they started crying or something, horrid.

Oh and incase any one is interested my sister died shortly after arriving at the hospital. The funeral is a week saterday.