I suffer from a condition known as Chronic fatigue syndrome which causes me to be in a perpetual state of exhaustion. There is no real cure for it but many people have reported improvement in there condition based on various treatments. It is for this reason that I found myself venturing into the world of con-men and deluded crazies that is alternative therapy.
In one particularly interesting case I saw a “healer”, who claimed to be able to cure people through a special energy in her hands. Yes, it does seem somewhat implausible that I Cornealius Drake would visit such a person but believe me I was seriously desperate. Plus I saw her photo on a website and she was hot. If it took £100 to get her special hands on me well then hey, I’ve paid more for sex in the past(My eastern European cleaning lady drives a hard bargain(and steals(and doesn’t dust properly))).
So on a dark and windswept night I arrived at her abode. As I walked into her apartment I was greeted by all manor of crap indigenous art from various tribes which she for some inexplicable reason felt the need to tell me about.
“A sun god from the kowaki tribe of southern Uganda,”
“Fascinating” I replied.
She asked me if I would like her to explain to me the philosophy behind her treatment I said no for fear that it might cause me to punch her. But somehow she still started blathering on about trans dimensional god forces and the spirit world. I distracted myself by staring at her breasts. At one point I think she mentioned something about our life’s purpose and unleashing the essential good within us all. Which did at least make me laugh.
“So if you’d just like to sit yourself down here we can get started.” She said snapping me out of my fantasy of making her eat every picture of a women holding a wolf in her apartment(there were like 10 of them?).
So I took my place in a seat(wicker of course) in the centre of the room.
“Now relax, close your eyes and just let yourself drift into a deep and comfortable place.” She said and proceeded to move her hands over my scalp. As she did this I have to admit I did feel her hands being unexpectedly warm and as she moved them across my temples I felt a real sense of calm and relaxation. I felt my energy return to me. After a few more minutes of hand healing, or whatever the appropriate verb is, she stopped. I opened my eyes to look again on the world. I felt a little better, perhaps.
“I have something to tell you,” she said.
“What?” I replied.
“While I was healing you I detected something, You have a very strong energy and from it I received a message from the spirit world about you.”
“You see you have a gift. You are a particularly psychic person.”
“Yes and the reason you are ill is because you are denying your special powers.”
I stared at her. “The only way you will ever recover from your illness is if you learn to harness your gift.”
“Harness my gift? And what precisely would that entail?”
“Well there are a variety of different methods for doing it. But tell you what I run classes in channelling psychic powers, you could sign up for them.”
“And these classes cost how much?”
“Well its a 12 week course and each lesson is £50.”
“so in total that’s…”
“Well I don’t know the figure off the top of my head, but its very reasonable when you consider what you will learn.”
“You want me to fork over £600 so I can learn magic from you?”
“Well magic isn’t the word we normally use but you can call it that if you like.”
“I think id rather call it, insane stupidity.”
“Lets just recap what’s happened here. I have come here looking for help, you know I am in a vulnerable position, you’ve started by doing something with your hands that’s made me feel slightly better, then you’ve told me that I’m “special” to build up my ego, then you’ve told me you can help me, then surprise, surprise you’ve told me that the way to help me involves me giving you £600.”
“Cornealius I don’t think I can help you if your being this negative. The spirits can help guide you but only if you have faith in them.”
I burst out laughing. Wild hysterical laughter.
I was about to start shouting insults at her and then leave, when a more interesting idea for pay back occurred to me.
“Im sorry,” I said, stopping laughing “I sometimes get very defensive about my gift.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I have known about my gift for a very long time, but the truth is I don’t like to admit to it because to me it feels more like a curse than a gift.”
“Yes I receive physic messages about people all the time. In fact I actually received a message about you while you were healing me. It seems than you channelled your energy so well that I was actually given a glimpse of your soul as you did it, you must be a truly great healer.”
She looked a touch sceptical, but her scepticism was swept away by her over riding desire to be the truly great healer I described. In which case she had to assume I was being truthful. “Let me tell you some of things that were communicated to me.”
“They told me that you are a very genuine person and honesty is at the heart of who you are. You are someone who is always searching for truth and it pains you when others can not see the beauty that you see.” How on earth did I guess that?
She nodded slightly.
“You instinctively keep people at arms length until you decide they are to be allowed over that magic line into your group of close friends. However, once across that line, the problem is that an emotional dependency kicks in.”
“Wow yeah that’s really true.” I’ve just told her she is closer to her friends than people she doesn’t know.
“You are a very creative person, you like to create and share your own worlds and imaging’s, You have many dreams but sometimes you give up your dreams too easily when your mind has wandered elsewhere.”
“Yeah.” I’ve just told her you think of doing things until you stop doing them.
“I notice an inner pain that you try to keep hidden because you feel other people wont understand it or you feel like you don’t want to burden those you love with it. Your afraid people will think your failing if you tell them about this. But its ok if you trust in your friends and family they wont let you down”
“Thanks.” Everyone on earth feels more pain than they let on. And just for the record here, sharing your self absorbed pain with others will make them like you less, don’t do it…. Unless you want to trick them into trusting you.
“You feel very held down and constricted by the world, like there is a wild part inside you that needs to be set free. You feel a particular afinity for the wolf. That is your special star marker, your essential god characteristic.” Even I don’t know what I’m talking about here, but everyone likes to be compared to a god. “You are a very interesting and complex person.”
“That’s all so true, how could you know all this?”
“Like I say I’ve had this gift since I was a very young child. I had an accident, I slipped on some ice and banged my head, and ever since I’ve had these special insights.” Lifted straight out of Steven Kings The Dead Zone “But I now think there is a reason I came here today beyond the mere fact of looking to use your extraordinary healing powers. I have a message from a dead relative to deliver to you. Recently you lost your father.”
“no he’s still alive,”
“then maybe its your grandfather who has brought me the message.”
“Yes, Albert, he died last year.”
“Yes he defiantly has something to tell you. You two were very close weren’t you.”
“Well he says that he loves you and wants me to tell you he still thinks of you and his son, your father.”
“Actually he was my mothers father.
“Yes but your father was like a son to him and he is only now realising this and how much he misses you all.”
“Tell him I love him to.”
“He can already hear that he is watching over you always.”
She smiles. An unfortunate side effect of my plan is that I’ve just made her feel better about life, but do not worry dear reader for it will not last.”
“But now I have another message coming through, and he is saying this is very important. You see there is something wrong with your body, it is growing sick because there is some sort of poison coming into it from your environment. You have already felt this on some level, which is why you’ve already switched to eating organic foods.” How could I have guessed correctly that a new-age alternative healer eats organic? “But your grandfather says though this is good it isn’t enough, the poison is still getting in through something that you eat and if you don’t managed to correct your diet soon you will die. Within the year.”
“I have been feeling under the weather recently but I had no idea it was that serious.”
“It is you must take action quickly your grandfather says.”
She stares blankly around “But what is it I should do, what should I stop eating.”
“He cannot detect exactly what it is, but Albert says you must do something.”
“Oh my God how did you know his name?” She told me earlier in the conversation but in her excitement she has evidently over looked this, a lucky break for me.
“He told me it, I think he’s going now his presence is receding.”
“But there is so much more I need to ask him.”
“Sorry, he is gone now, my gift only lasts for so long.”
I get up to go. She tries to get me to stay, asks if we can meet again but I say I really have to go and that it is things like this that have caused me to stop using my gift and view it as a curse. I would not have used it had she not detected it through her evident physic powers. I left.
See after she had so annoyed me by trying to con me with her alternative health classes I could simply have shouted at her or hit her and that would undoubtedly have felt good but if a person wants to get that truly fulfilling revenge feeling a degree of thought and creativity goes a long way. Now rather than her just having a bruise that will last a few days. I have given her an eating disorder that will probably last a year, maybe longer and could even kill her, if I’m lucky. Now that’s what I call vengeance.
I still have her phone number and I considered calling her again as I’m sure it wont take more than 2 or 3 meetings for me convince her that sleeping with me will heal her, and maybe also handing over large amounts of cash. But after sleeping with her I would have to stop talking to her(I am yet to be able to utter more than a sentence to any women i've ever slept with, and that sentence is normally “I’ll leave the money on the table on the way out.”) and then she would no longer believe in the message id given her and her eating disorder would end. And it would seem that I value my own malice more than sex.
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